


searching (interlude)

by astraluji



Series: caffeine & reflections [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, College!AU, Fluff, M/M, Soonhoon - Freeform, college!soonhoon, days go by so fast i made it fit in 6k words, kinda angst, soonyoung coming out?, strangers to friends to ?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-16 02:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18511861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astraluji/pseuds/astraluji
Summary: Soonyoung finds himself in the stage of self-discovery when he meets Jihoon.





	searching (interlude)

Soonyoung turns his phone volume up as he looks out the car window. It was gloomy, too gloomy for a day in summer; considering that it was already one in the afternoon. He thought that the weather decided to join his feelings or even his Spotify playlist:  _Sad Songs_. Soonyoung sighed as he watches the cars on the left speed up. “Continue on for three miles, and you’ll arrive at your destination,” Soonyoung listens carefully to the faint sound from the driver’s GPS. His mind is starting to cloud with the fierce notion of regret and pain. It feels like he is about to feel a thousand pangs in his chest the moment he steps in the airport.

 

“Sir,” the check-in agent points at Soonyoung’s backpack draped over his shoulder, “Would you like to bring that as a carry-on?”

 

Soonyoung fidgets with the shoulder strap of the bag, “Yes, please.”

 

Two hours later, and Soonyoung boards the plane. Passing through the crowded aisle as he gets to his seat; he sighs in relief knowing he “won” the window seat. He looks out the window to look at the clouds, it was his favorite time of the day. He grew to love the noon before sunset. Remembering to message his mother before the plane takes off, he gently presses on the power button of his phone; tears well up in his eyes as he examines his lock screen notifications.

 

☾

 

It is February of 2015. Soonyoung had just graduated from high school and decided to take up his college degree in California. It was worth the extensive English language classes he took from grade school to high school. After days of convincing, Soonyoung is overwhelmed with joy when his family agreed that he would fly miles and miles away for the next chapter of his life. Two weeks later, he got the requirements he would need to apply to colleges and to fly to California.

 

Soonyoung is taking his time rummaging through his stuff. Uttering a repetitive “ _This_ ” and “ _Not this_.” Setting aside the things he would be leaving at home, and what he would be bringing to his trip. He is only at the process of picking out clothes; packing almost all his smart casual tops, a few shirts, and four pairs of shoes. He checks the time on his phone and sees that he still has ample time to pack other essentials before his flight at ten o’clock.

 

He arrives at the airport; an unexplainable emotion flows through him. Soonyoung sits by the waiting area; his luggage beside him, his ticket and phone in hand, and a mantra of  _I can do this_  at the back of his mind. Soonyoung spent the past few minutes looking around, but he barely noticed that across from him was a black-haired boy, maybe the same age as him, jittering in his seat.

 

“Hey,” Soonyoung tries not to sound too nosy. The boy looks up at him and gives him an awkward smile. Soonyoung holds his giggle and smiles.

 

“You’re going to Los Angeles, California, too?” Soonyoung asks.

 

“Yeah,” the boy points at Soonyoung’s ticket, “What seat?” They both started to compare their seat numbers. Double checking, triple checking if they did have the same flight number. From there, they discovered that they were going to be sitting next to each other for the next thirteen to fourteen hours. Silence engulfed them, but they had half an hour before they board the plane.

 

“Kwon Soonyoung,” Soonyoung holds out his hand. Terrified of the kind of tone he put out; did he say it in a friendly manner or did he sound too prying?

 

“Lee Jihoon,” Jihoon shakes his hand and smiles back to Soonyoung.

 

While boarding the plane, they started to talk in English after knowing that they both took lessons. Hoping, of course, they could and would quickly adjust to the new environment they were going to be in. In those long hours, they planned that they would apply to the same colleges. It was the advantage of knowing someone and having someone to talk to already.

 

With numerous TMIs and stories to tell despite just meeting thirty minutes ago, Soonyoung discovered that Jihoon was on the road to becoming a well-known producer. It was when Jihoon’s professor saw his potential through one of his school projects then he started to apply as an intern in entertainment companies. Although he first had to finish college before doing so, the other CEOs already granted Jihoon a spot. That gave Soonyoung a boost of motivation to push through with his dream of pursuing a major in fine arts, specifically, in dancing. After hearing about Jihoon’s story, he hopes he could open his dance studio soon.

 

Soonyoung and Jihoon rested the whole trip. In between, they had meals and watched movies together. Time went twice as fast for them; they made it through the journey without stating how much longer they had to wait before they land on an hourly basis.

 

“Wanna grab something to eat?” Jihoon asks after going through an exhausting wait in line to get to the point of entry.

 

Soonyoung pulls up his luggage handle and walks towards Jihoon, “Of course.”

 

Starbucks was the only option at the airport. Somehow, this brought joy into Soonyoung’s eyes since he needed that “boost” in the morning. Jihoon spots an empty table and offers to bring Soonyoung’s luggage with him. Leaving Soonyoung in charge of buying their food and drinks.

 

“Thank you,” Jihoon whispers as Soonyoung hands over his espresso. They continue to talk about the movies they watched over “lunch”: doughnuts and coffee. Until Jihoon had to leave since he had to bring his luggage to his apartment, and he did the same.

 

They settled talking over social media before they went out on one Wednesday to buy a SIM card. Soonyoung and Jihoon thought it would be more convenient for the meantime. Making plans through texts and talking about where they were going to meet; Soonyoung’s place or Jihoon’s.

Almost every day, Soonyoung and Jihoon would go on multiple campus tours, visit different types of cafes to talk about the application process, and tour museums. Discovering that they hated days when they only had to stay in their apartments and waste time. It was mostly driven by the fact that they wanted to know more about where they are living for the next four years.

 

A sunny day in June and they both decided to take a walk at the park instead of drowning themselves in cups and cups of bitter caffeine.

 

Jihoon and Soonyoung stop by a park bench under a tree.

“I have us booked for this campus tour at another uni. It’s an hour and thirty minutes away, but I just want to check it out,” Jihoon holds out a photo of the campus. Soonyoung takes the photo, and his eyes brighten.

 

“I know. It’s so nice.” Jihoon smiles at the sight of his best friend struck with awe. Considering the fact that they have been to two public universities; three branches of the same university and the only UCLA, two private universities, and two community colleges. Jihoon liked learning and was the type to binge watch debates on YouTube. Soonyoung, on the other hand, spends his time watching dance videos.

 

Days and days of palling around, Jihoon and Soonyoung forgot that it was already July. That meant two months left before the start of college. It was also that time wherein their late applications are finally reviewed, and the schools put out their decisions. As if the universe conspired, both of them got accepted in all the universities they applied to.

 

Soonyoung called his parents, and they were ecstatic when they heard the news. It was dawn over at Korea so his parents threw a lot of “good job”s and “you’ll do great” before excusing themselves since they had to prepare for work.

 

Soonyoung took some alone time sitting on his bed rereading the letters; smiling to himself. It was only then when he decides to call Jihoon, yet the latter didn’t seem to answer. “Jihoon, come over,” Soonyoung leaves a voicemail. He was not one to keep a secret after helping each other in filling out applications, Jihoon had to know. Soonyoung thought about this for days, whether he would surprise Jihoon with his letters of acceptance once they all came in the mail or right off the bat tell him.

 

Soonyoung finds Jihoon knocking on his apartment door. Mind still deciding on how he was going to tell Jihoon. Soonyoung opened the door screaming “I did it!” And Jihoon points to the both of them, “Nope, we,” Jihoon gestures a high five.

 

Jihoon asks Soonyoung if he could read the letter. The latter handed it over. “Soonyoung, you know what would be great?” Jihoon tries to sound serious, but it came out in an awkward tone. He gives back Soonyoung’s admission letter; slipping a movie ticket in the envelope. Soonyoung takes the envelope from Jihoon’s hand with confusion; brows furrowed waiting for Jihoon to break the silence. “If the university gave us tickets to see the new Marvel movie  _Ant-Man_.”

 

“Shut up,” Soonyoung opens the envelope and sees the movie ticket. His eyes widen. “Wait, no, this isn’t real.”

 

Jihoon laughs out loud. “Dumbass, of course, I placed it there,” he sighs, “I was supposed to invite you over to my apartment to play some games, but I saw the movie was out.”

 

Everyone says that college is the year of self-discovery. We learn at least twenty to forty percent more about ourselves than we previously did. The school year hasn’t started, but Soonyoung has questioned that he had a possibility that he liked men. Specifically, Jihoon. It was a conflict of knowing whether he liked Jihoon’s personality or he generally liked men. Soonyoung often than not pushed these thoughts away since this could distance them.

 

“Earth to Soonyoung.” Soonyoung shakes his head and looks at Jihoon. Jihoon mouths a “thank you.”

 

Soonyoung laughs, “Oh, right! Thank you, Hoonie!”

 

Soonyoung and Jihoon continued to hang out as they knew college was about to start, and that meant busy schedules. They juggled between watching Marvel movies and playing Undertale. They helped each other get through Undertale. First, they both helped each other through the neutral route. Second, both of them took different routes: Jihoon decided to take the pacifist route while Soonyoung took the genocide route. Walkthroughs of the game surfaced, but they chose to trust their instincts. Result? Failed. Solution? After the next three times of still not getting it right, they will start to consult to walkthroughs.

 

It was not only limited to that until recently because Jihoon finally took the time to set up his recording equipment, and Soonyoung would spend hours recording songs he made up.

 

“Can I add a growl before the rap part?” Jihoon laughs and bluntly agrees with Soonyoung’s suggestion. “I wonder if I could create a stage name,” Soonyoung adds.

 

“What stage name could you possibly think of? You rap and sing about eating. Well, most of the time,” Jihoon says pointedly as he glances at Soonyoung who is thinking intensely in his seat.

 

Soonyoung is staring at a short distance thinking of a name.

 

“I bet you can’t think of anything,” Jihoon challenges Soonyoung.

 

“False. I’m now going to be known as Hoshi,” Soonyoung’s face glowed with a sense of pride.

 

Jihoon covers his mouth in defeat, “That has a nice ring to it.”

 

Soonyoung mouths a “HA!” before he starts to write  _Hoshi_  on the top-left corner of his so-called “lyrics” paper. Soonyoung adds, “Hoshi means star in Japanese.”

 

The tables turned now that Soonyoung dares Jihoon: “If you decide to become a famous producer, you would need an alias.”

 

“Maybe I do,” Jihoon stretches his arms and laughs.

 

They ended the day finalizing that Jihoon was going by the stage name “Woozi.” Soonyoung convinced Jihoon that it was inevitable and that he had to thank him for giving him an idea about creating a producer name. Jihoon simply nods in response to Soonyoung’s ultimatum; skin flushed as he stares at Soonyoung’s brows avoiding his eyes.

 

Summer starts to “fall” into autumn. The cold wind greeted Soonyoung early in the morning. Subtly kicking orange leaves in the ground as he walks. Taking a few minutes to stop over Starbucks to grab a pumpkin spice latte before heading to the campus. Soonyoung took his time walking; holding his drink in one hand and his phone in the other. It has been known that Soonyoung’s “on time” was ten minutes after the school bell rings. “Hoshi,” Jihoon whispered from behind startling Soonyoung. “If I dropped my coffee, you would be very much obligated to buy me a new one.”

 

“Hoshiiiiiiii, Hooooshiii,” Jihoon says repetitively in hopes of annoying Soonyoung early in the morning. Soonyoung sips on his latte unbothered by Jihoon’s goal of becoming a nuisance. Truth be told, he can never be of annoyance to Soonyoung.

 

They walked together through the campus until Jihoon finds the hallway to his first class, and they went their separate ways. Jihoon and Soonyoung were majoring in fine arts, but they signed up for different subjects. Jihoon focused more on the music aspect, and Soonyoung focused more on dance.

 

While waiting for the professor, Soonyoung made a new friend. Although, they didn’t talk much. Only ‘hey’ and ‘what’s up?’, But at least Soonyoung has someone to strike a conversation with. Soonyoung taps his fingertips on the table as a habit; stopping the moment the professor enters the room. The professor starts apologizing for being late since he was new and didn’t know the way to the classroom. It was only the first day, Soonyoung thought. Soonyoung sat in that class doing nothing. The room is silent; the teacher is checking if his list of students enrolled is updated, the students are impatiently waiting for the bell to ring and it was the end of the class. The same routine continued on for the next four classes.

 

The day ended, and Soonyoung decided to text Jihoon. Jihoon accepted Soonyoung’s plead to eat out for dinner. It went on for two weeks into university. Eating out was a way for them to talk about how their day went. At home, rather, it meant seeing their books sitting on the desk that “cried out” to them to start reading in advance for the next day’s lesson.

 

The next weeks that grew into months consisted of little to one-word conversation. Soonyoung thought “ _school._ ” It was bound to happen, and they both saw it coming. Their texts often than not were limited to good morning greetings.

 

Soonyoung would usually find himself thinking about how he feels for Jihoon. He is between trying to piece it out and self-hatred for feeling that way. Sometimes, Soonyoung persuaded himself that it was a heat of the moment; that he lacked the feeling of love. He sits by his study desk, nose in a book trying to understand the lesson from the day’s class; his mind contradicts thoughts of school and replaces it with Jihoon’s smiles.

 

Soonyoung takes his phone and dials Jihoon. Plan: A. Call Jihoon, and tell him  _hey!_  Before dropping the call. B. Call Jihoon, and hang up. C. “ _Hey! What’s Up?”_

 

“Hey, Jihoon! What’s up?” Plan C it is. Soonyoung rushes with disbelief and face-palms. It was not the plan he was going for. He started the call as if Jihoon was the one who ringed him up, and that gave him a rush of pure regret.

 

“Want to go out for coffee? I need to stay up, and I forgot to buy a pack of instant coffee during the weekend,” Jihoon yawns.

 

“You are working on a big project?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Wait there.” Soonyoung makes a quick run to the coffee place near Jihoon’s. Typically, Jihoon would ask for an americano, and Soonyoung already knew that. He decided not to ask Jihoon for the sake of speeding things up. He didn’t want to arrive at Jihoon’s doorstep knowing he already fell asleep on his desk.

 

Jihoon looked awfully tired when he opened the door. He took the coffee and made Soonyoung stay the night; not noticing that Soonyoung came over at ten o'clock in the evening. Soonyoung didn’t mind at all. It has been two weeks since they last met and talked to each other. Jihoon might be blabbering about how it took him more than three hours to compose a song, but Soonyoung is smiling at the thought that Jihoon was still comfortable to talk to Soonyoung, more so rant to him.

 

After minutes of Jihoon letting off steam, he spun his chair to face his desk and got back to work. Soonyoung fell asleep amid of Jihoon working on his project. It warmed his heart knowing he was able to help Jihoon.

 

The sun peeked through the windows. The room was filled with the bitter scent of coffee. It turns out, Jihoon made a quick trip to the nearest 24/7 convenience store at the break of dawn to make sure Soonyoung had a cup of caffeine to start his day. He knew he had to give back after last night’s event.

 

Soonyoung hurriedly got up, but he suddenly realized that he didn’t have a class on that particular Friday. Jihoon smiled at Soonyoung whose eyes were barely open yet managed to look at the time on his phone.

 

“You have no class today?” Jihoon asks as he buttons his shirt; looking at Soonyoung through the mirror. Soonyoung shakes his head in reply.

 

“Just lock the door once you leave, and give me my key at school or during lunch. I’ll text you.” Jihoon left since he was ten minutes late to his first class.

 

It has been common courtesy not to touch someone’s belongings. It is an unspoken rule. Soonyoung pushed this aside due to his curiosity. Jihoon’s laptop was not on his desk; it was clear of scraps of paper. Soonyoung never saw Jihoon as an organized guy. Except if he hid his stuff because he perceived Soonyoung was one to “snoop around.” Soonyoung looked around and noticed how Jihoon’s apartment seemed bigger than his. It wouldn’t be such a shock considering Jihoon has a set of recording equipment, not to mention, a launchpad.

 

Soonyoung starts to prepare and leave Jihoon’s place. Next up on his agenda was meeting Jihoon during his break to give the apartment key. Composing a proper message to Jihoon multiple times, and deciding to settle with a:  _Thanks for letting me stay, I’ll meet you later at McDonald’s_.

 

Everything grew awkward between Jihoon and Soonyoung. Maybe everyone can see that one likes the other:  _Soonyoung likes Jihoon_ . It wasn’t rocket science. Soonyoung had stares that held innumerable feelings that screamed  _love_ ; he seldom knows the words he wants to say, he stutters with every word trying not to let the bead of sweat fall. In between overflowing feelings and a heart that denies, Soonyoung always keeps a safe distance from Jihoon. In hopes that he would slowly lose interest in the boy who happens to be his best friend. Trying to keep conversations short with four to five-word responses, but it ends up being fourteen to fifteen sentences of responses that gradually leads to storytelling. Jihoon didn’t mind; he sat in front of Soonyoung with ears that are willing to listen and a mind that’s interested.

 

“Oh shoot! I forgot I had a class. I’m twenty minutes late.” Jihoon hurriedly stood up from his seat; brushing his fringe away from his forehead, fixing his collar, and said goodbye to Soonyoung with a weak smile before running back to the campus. Luckily, McDonald’s was only across the street.

 

Soonyoung has another four hours to kill before he gets to hang out with Jihoon. After weeks of not being able to plan a weekend of hanging out, it was finally that Friday wherein they are expecting to play video games, watch movies, and pull an all-nighter. Of all choices, he decides to go to his place instead and prepare some stuff he would bring over to Jihoon’s. One option was to skim around GameStop to look for a video game they could try out, and the other was searching movies up on Google.

 

Trying to avoid the sad news, he had to face reality. Four more months with Jihoon and Soonyoung had to go back to Korea. He has finished all of his online classes already, and all he needs to do next is to sit in extra hours of class. Soonyoung’s family never told him that he was only allowed to go to California for his freshman year. His family considered it as a “jump start” followed by taking the rest of his college years back in Korea. Soonyoung hasn’t mentioned this to Jihoon nor would he confess that he might be into guys and started building feelings for his best friend since day one which was during the plane ride to LAX.

 

Jihoon often left voicemails asking if Soonyoung is having a great day, or telling Soonyoung about his day, or ranting about his classes that clumped up their deadlines on a single Thursday. In retrospect, Soonyoung wouldn’t have listened to them. Today, perhaps, these voicemails meant the world to Soonyoung. Hearing Jihoon’s voice is the epitome of sunshine; lifting off that heavy weight off of Soonyoung’s chest after a tiring day.

 

Soonyoung opens the voice memo app since he happened to save all of it there. He goes through some of the voicemails that he would deem as ‘top tier.’

 

“Kwon!”

 

“Kwooooooooon Soonyoung!”

 

“Guess what? I played sudoku: intermediate level, two minutes and thirty seconds.”

 

“Sudoku: hard mode, three minutes and fifteen seconds. Beat that, Soonie.”

 

“Oh wait, I have a class to go to,” Jihoon starts to whisper, “Bye!”

 

Soonyoung lost track of time and saw that he had thirty minutes left to pack his stuff before Jihoon gets out from class. In the midst of Soonyoung finalizing what he was going to bring, Jihoon called.

 

“Hey, Soon,”

 

“Yes, Jihoon?”

 

“We won’t be able to watch a movie at my place tonight,” Jihoon had a sad tone in his voice which made Soonyoung feel disheartened.

 

“Oh, it’s fine!” Soonyoung smiled after he exclaimed it as if Jihoon could see him.

 

“Because we are watching  _Star Wars_  in the cinema tonight,” Jihoon pauses, “Meet me at the bus station in twenty minutes.”

 

Soonyoung and Jihoon met at the bus station. After a few minutes, the bus stops right in front of them. Jihoon intertwines his fingers with Soonyoung’s as they search for a seat. Soonyoung could feel his heart beating out of time and without a definite rhythm. He wishes his face wasn’t turning red at that moment. They seat beside each other; Soonyoung was beyond thankful he got the window seat; he could look out the window and avoid Jihoon’s gaze which he could see through the window’s reflection.

 

Being settled in the theatre, they talk about the posts and tweets they see as they scroll through their social media. The trailers started rolling, and they both put down their phones. Soonyoung snaps back to reality after realizing that he has been looking at Jihoon’s expressions as the trailers move from action movie to drama. He never knew how expressive Jihoon was until that moment.

 

Midway through the movie, Soonyoung felt Jihoon’s head resting on his shoulder; glancing to see that Jihoon’s eyes were open. Soonyoung slowly pats Jihoon’s head, but he didn’t budge; although his ears turned red. Soonyoung’s hand involuntarily plays with Jihoon’s hair; his hand accidentally brushing on the smaller boy's warm ear, it made Soonyoung laugh. Jihoon lets out a sarcastic “ha ha” before focusing on the movie again.

 

The movie ended, and they paced through the halls of the cinema looking at the movie posters. It was mostly movies that were coming out soon. Pointing from left to right, Jihoon started deciding on the films they should watch next time.

 

“Yeah, but I’m not paying for your ticket after today,” Jihoon rolls his eyes but starts to laugh. It blew his cover of wanting to sound serious.

 

“Lies,” Soonyoung defends. Jihoon looks down with a hint of embarrassment painted on his face; he shakes his head with a subtle agreement before looking at Soonyoung.

 

“Thanks, Jihoonie!” Soonyoung says as he stops at the corner, reaching his hand out to Jihoon. Jihoon shakes his hand and pats Soonyoung’s back as a sign to keep walking. There were, in fact, a lot of people trying to leave the premises, Jihoon didn’t want them to be a cause of overcrowding. It was nine o’clock in the evening; everyone had a reason to rush home except for Soonyoung and Jihoon who seemed to treat the cinemas like a park.

 

Walking to the bus stop, Soonyoung noticed that buses no longer passed by during that time. He decided to drag Jihoon to Starbucks as they waited for an uber.

 

Jihoon scoffs, “why do you like coffee so much?” Jihoon chuckles at his question, but then he pretends to clear his throat so he would not come off too rude and keeps a straight face.

 

“Hoonie, we both know we like, no, we  _love_  coffee.” Soonyoung, with his arms crossed, looked like he won another argument. Jihoon walked to the side, so Soonyoung was the only one in line to order.

 

“Two iced americanos, please.” Soonyoung grins at the thought that this time he would be treating Jihoon in exchange of Jihoon paying for both of their movie tickets. They stood by the storefront waiting for their ride.

 

They both sat in the backseat of the car. It was silent between them throughout the whole trip. The radio filled the car with the sound of coffee table jazz. Soonyoung sipped on his drink thinking he was in a coffee shop minus the book and the strong smell of coffee beans. Soonyoung hums quietly, looking out the window; watching the green lights switch to amber then red. Despite being distracted, he could feel Jihoon’s fingertips slowly grazing on his hand. Soonyoung shuts his eyes close, shunning the thought that that is really happening.

 

Entering Jihoon’s apartment, Soonyoung and Jihoon both fell into Jihoon’s bed. It was a long day for them; mostly for Jihoon because he did have classes that day. Smiling weakly, Jihoon looks at Soonyoung who is now seated at the edge of the bed using his phone.

 

“Now that we finished the genocide route, do you want to help me continue the pacifist one?” Jihoon breaks the cold silence that surrounded them; grabbing his laptop from the bag before leaning on the headboard.

 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Soonyoung looks behind him and sees that Jihoon was sitting comfy.  Soonyoung moved to sit beside Jihoon. He can sense how awkward they look, thank god, no one would know about it.

 

Jihoon had his right hand hovered on the arrow keys while his left hand hovered on Z, X, and C. Soonyoung watches how focused Jihoon is while also reminding him not to kill anyone.

 

“Jihoon! You killed a dummy,” Jihoon is startled by Soonyoung, and he starts to reload the game from his save point earlier. “Thanks, Soonie.”

 

Soonyoung and Jihoon’s night seemed longer than it usually is. Jihoon had troubles trying to remind himself that he was supposed to complete a true pacifist ending to the game. A frustrated Soonyoung had to call out Jihoon multiple times. It was because of that chaos that brought both of them to settle with watching random videos on YouTube.

 

Jihoon’s eyes widen when he feels that Soonyoung’s head is now leaning on his shoulder. His best friend fell into a deep slumber. Jihoon checks the time on the laptop, and it was already six in the morning.

 

Soonyoung squirms and opens his eyes to see that he fell asleep on Jihoon’s shoulder while they were seated by the headboard. He eyed the clock on the table; it was nine in the morning. Soonyoung sits up straight, holding Jihoon’s head before placing a pillow by the crook of his neck.

 

“We slept at six; why are you up?” Jihoon says amid yawning.

 

“I’ll sleep at my place.”

 

“Alright,” Jihoon lies down comfortably on his bed and hugs the pillow beside him before dozing back to sleep.

 

The weekend was well-spent. Jihoon worked on his homework on Saturday and Sunday after Soonyoung left his apartment, and Soonyoung rented a dance studio on Saturday and read his lessons on Sunday in preparation for his advanced finals.

 

Soonyoung’s Monday started with him looking forward to having an in-depth conversation with his friend, Jun. During the first day of class, he approached Jun, and it was just a  _hi hello_. Today, however, Soonyoung was ready to tell Jun multiple TMIs.

 

“So you like this guy, and he shows signals that he might like you too?” Jun questions Soonyoung; he’s too puzzled.

 

“Pretty much, yeah.”

 

“Tell me more.”

 

“Last Friday night, he started to hold my hand while we were watching a movie, and he leaned his head on my shoulder. He also attempts to hold my hand.”

 

“Soonyoung, he does like you. I can’t see myself doing that to any of my guy friends, let me tell you that,” Soonyoung stares at the pavement. “Tell me who!” Jun leans toward Soonyoung trying to impose Soonyoung to whisper the name to him.

 

“Not telling. It’s just... I kind of like him. I still can’t decide if it is because he is so nice to me or I really am attracted to the same gender.”

 

“Well, you are,” Jun says pointedly, earning a sigh from Soonyoung.

 

“How would I know if I do?” Soonyoung asked the question Jun wanted to answer five minutes ago. “It starts with constantly thinking if that person has smiled for the day, if that person had a good laugh, if that person makes you stutter, if seeing or reading that person’s name makes your heart skip a beat—”

 

Soonyoung is one to deny his true feelings. Especially at a time like this. Continually Reminding himself every day not to think about Jihoon. Counting and pointing out everything in the room to distract himself from the thought of falling in love. In Mr. William’s class, there are nine desks with two chairs each, seven backpacks on the floor, a pink umbrella, and someone’s cap. In Soonyoung’s room, there is a desk with books about physical education, a Bluetooth speaker on the floor, a cup that held all his pens and highlighters, and scraps of paper.  _Am I in love with Jihoon_?

 

Soonyoung spaced out thinking about how much he has been distracting himself from his feelings to seeing that Jun has already left to go to his first class. He texted Jun to thank him for listening and for giving him advice.

 

It took Soonyoung six hours to get through his finals. Six hours of not thinking about Jihoon, but Soonyoung would be lying if he said he wouldn’t message Jihoon and ask him if he was free tonight. Soonyoung sent him a text.  _Hoon! I made it out alive._

 

Heart clenching with tension, Soonyoung’s phone pings with Jihoon’s reply.  _Just as I expected._

 

Soonyoung quickens his pace to get to his apartment, forgetting to reply to Jihoon. The moment he gets to step in the building, he takes his phone and sees a voice message from Jihoon:

 

“Soonyoung”

 

“Soonyoung. Want to drink tonight?”

 

Jihoon surprises Soonyoung by showing unannounced on his doorstep; bringing a paper bag with cans of beer. Soonyoung gladly opens the door and welcomes Jihoon in.

 

Forgetting about asking why, Soonyoung goes with what Jihoon wants—watching music videos on YouTube through Soonyoung’s laptop. Soonyoung sips on his beer and continues to purse his lips trying to mask his low tolerance for its bitterness. He glanced to see Jihoon’s face turning red; he drank too much. Soonyoung stands up to get a bottle of water for his drunk best friend sitting on his bed. Soonyoung questions why they were drinking on a school night, but Jihoon didn’t respond. He waves his hand in front of the latter trying to catch his attention, Soonyoung loses his balance when Jihoon pulls his arm. Soonyoung was above Jihoon; head resting on Jihoon’s neck. Soonyoung swiftly stands up to get out of their uncomfortable position.

 

Soonyoung tries to divert Jihoon’s attention by starting Undertale on his laptop, letting Jihoon play. The game reloads to the genocide route’s last battle with Sans. Jihoon, without any walkthrough, gets through the stage after half an hour. He cheers loudly, and Soonyoung can feel himself turning red. Warm hands meet his cheeks followed by soft lips pressed on his. It did not take a second, but Soonyoung swore it happened. It went fast, almost too soon. He doesn’t remember if his eyes shut, he doesn’t remember if he wanted to push Jihoon as a fight-or-flight response. Soonyoung glances towards Jihoon who has now fallen asleep with his back straight pressing on the headboard. He taps his shoulder, and Jihoon responds with a low groan. Soonyoung smiled when he got Jihoon to lie down on the bed, he wanted Jihoon to be relaxed at most; pulling up the blanket for him. For that night, he decided to take the couch.

 

Birds chirping, sunlight spilling between the blinds, faint sound of pop songs surrounded the room. Soonyoung cracks open his eyes and spots Jihoon sitting on the window sill. Jihoon suddenly hums along to a ballad making Soonyoung need another extra five minutes before getting up.

 

Five minutes became an hour. Soonyoung wakes up to the scent of pancakes and bacon and Jihoon sitting on the bed. As if he knew, Jihoon faces Soonyoung.

 

“Have breakfast,” Jihoon smiles, “I jogged to and from IHOP.” Soonyoung smiles back and thanks Jihoon.

 

Soonyoung’s mind clouds with the question of whether or not Jihoon remembers what happened last night. Soonyoung did not have anything else to ask himself; it was already etched at the back of his mind: he definitely loves Lee Jihoon.

 

“Do you want to move in together?” Soonyoung says before taking a big bite of his pancake; cursing himself.  

 

“What?” Jihoon stated with surprise, “Yes.”

 

It was at that moment that Soonyoung decided to stop hiding. He knew what Jihoon meant to him, and it was impossible to keep running away. It was not because he had three months left to be with Jihoon, partially… Maybe.

 

Jihoon is slouched on Soonyoung’s bed using his laptop. Mustering a vast amount of courage, Soonyoung walks toward Jihoon; exuding deep feelings, they look eye to eye. Soonyoung’s eyebrows lowered as he examined Jihoon’s expressions. He positions himself beside the smaller boy and curls up with his head resting on Jihoon’s chest. He could hear his heartbeat evidently.

 

They stay in that position for the next hour. Jihoon, with his arm wrapped around Soonyoung, draws circles on Soonyoung’s shoulder with his thumb.

 

Soonyoung almost forgot he had a class in three hours, and Jihoon only had an online course which he can take at any time of the day. Soonyoung unwillingly got up and started preparing.

 

Seven hours of classes drained Soonyoung. He had to sit in extra hours so he could finish before the end of the semester; he had to fly back as early as possible.

 

Reaching his place, he turns the key to notice that the door was unlocked. Jihoon was nowhere inside nor did he receive a text from Jihoon saying why he left the door opened. Soonyoung locks the door behind him and cautiously walks over to his bed, releasing a deep sigh at the sudden turn of events. Checking everything making sure no one took his things.

 

Tonight, he had to change his plans. He had to call his parents, book a flight, and pack his things now and then; he didn’t have to rush with picking out the things he would bring home… More so he thought.

 

“Me and your father decided that you should come home in three weeks. Will you be able to finish your classes by then?” Soonyoung suddenly remembers that he had to fix all the paperwork he would need to transfer his credits, “I’ll try my best.”

 

Soonyoung buries his face in his hands. Everything was going fast, and at this moment, he only wishes to stop time. He wanted more time with Jihoon—

 

The door clicks, Soonyoung didn’t bother to look. In his mind he thought, he was too upset to function. “Soonie?” Soonyoung can smell the scent of tea leaves as Jihoon approaches him to his desk.

 

Soonyoung looks up at Jihoon cheerfully handing his bubble tea. His mood shifts to match Jihoon’s. It would be a shame if he would keep being upset. The smaller boy grabs a chair to sit beside Soonyoung. Soonyoung gazes at Jihoon and thanks him. They sip on their milk teas keeping a cold silence between them. All Soonyoung can think about is how it was bound to happen; he didn’t have a choice.

 

Jihoon says his goodbyes before heading home. The door closed shut, and Soonyoung grabbed his laptop and booked a flight. He didn’t want to hesitate nor stall around. Soonyoung closes his eyes and takes a deep breath,  _two weeks_.

 

Soonyoung knew it was better to push aside his feelings and stop it from making things awkward between them. He wanted to be with Jihoon, his best friend. 

 

☾

 

Today is February 24th. One year since Jihoon and Soonyoung met at the airport also the same day they arrived in LA. It was the longest day for them because of timezones; it felt as if they never left February 24. This time, Soonyoung was heading back to Korea.

 

Two weeks of living together was a memory Soonyoung didn’t want to forget. Telling himself, he would come back for Jihoon if he found the chance. Promising himself that he will never get another first love, it is always going to be Jihoon.

 

It has been said that you would never know what you are finding for until it is right in front of you. For Soonyoung, he never knew who or what he was finding for until he met Jihoon. He sometimes wonders what people could potentially call him if they knew that he happened to buy a ring two months after piecing out his feelings for Jihoon. Soonyoung knew that his future was already in front of him. Soonyoung knew that he loved Jihoon, but pushed those feelings away relentlessly. It was those words unsaid that continued to haunt him. The words  _I love you_  stirred a significant amount of fear in Soonyoung. From overhearing couples in coffee shops and parks to his mind continuously saying “ _Jihoon, I love you. I’m sorry I never told you._ ”

 

 


End file.
